


Assembling the Upphetsning

by HeartSandwich, shuns



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Absolute Trash, Draco Likes Lingonberries, Draco is not a peasant, Elves have no filter, F/M, Narcissa rigs the game, Swedish Sex Magic, This is trash, Trip to IKEA, and Meatballs, oh you thought we were done?, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 10:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17938274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartSandwich/pseuds/HeartSandwich, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuns/pseuds/shuns
Summary: Draco and Hermione break the dining room table in their flat, resulting in a trip to IKEA.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shuns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuns/gifts), [LovesBitca8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovesBitca8/gifts).



> This was prompted by [this](https://archiveofourown.org/comments/212226662) absurd comment (on the ABSOLUTE BEST FIC [All The Wrong Things](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14452923/chapters/33387135)), which was followed up by a ridiculous texting conversation with shuns about sex magic and Draco failing at flat packed furniture assembly. 
> 
> Dedicated to my friend and co-author shuns, whom I would cease to live without, and of course to the wonderful LovesBitca8, without whom this little ficlet could never have been born (how on earth your perfect and wonderful story inspired this monstrosity is beyond me, but here we are. I blame shuns).
> 
> Props to shuns for providing a large portion of the dialogue!

_“Fallos u_ _ppsluka,_ _fallos förstora!”_

Draco began moving and Hermione moaned loudly. He jerked his hips quickly and the table creaked ominously before it lurched and the legs snapped cleanly out from under it. Hermione squealed as she and Draco plummeted to the floor to land atop the now-ruined dining room table. 

Draco surveyed the damage. “Fuck! We broke it” 

Hermione climbed to her feet. “Are you a wizard or not?” she chided, shaking with laughter.

He ran his hand over his face then grabbed his wand. “Right. Reparo.” Draco swished his wand and the broken pieces jostled for a second before resting back on the ground. He looked at her pleadingly. 

Hermione picked up her wand, grumbling, “Men.” She swished her wand but the result was the same. “Well, crap,” she said, frowning. 

Draco scowled at her. “That was an antique! What am I supposed to tell my mother?”

“You can tell her we broke her antique mahogany table by having glorious sex on top of it. See what she says. Yes mother,” her voice took on an affected tone and she continued. “Hermione and I were practicing Swedish sex magic and this table was _just the perfect height_ for me to plunge my-” 

“Ok ok, you can stop.” 

Hermione looked at him triumphantly. 

“Why do you even have this crazy Swedish sex magic book anyway,” Draco asked, looking at the book like it had personally offended him.

Hermione blushed. “Luna,” she squeaked out.

Draco rolled his eyes and sighed. “Luna. Of course! It’s _always_ Luna. Anything weird or kinky you ever do, Luna has had a hand in it.”

She cleared her throat before mumbling, “More than you know.”

Draco looked at her wide-eyed. “Oh? Now do tell.”

“No.”

“I’ll make you a deal…” he bargained. “We can go to the muggle store you have been talking about non-stop-” 

“You would go to IKEA with me?” she practically leaped with excitement. 

He groaned again. “Yes, witch, we can go to IKEA and you can pick out whatever muggle monstrosity you want. No matter how much of a crime against good taste it is.”

“Really?” she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. But no unbreakable vow!”

Hermione looked at the floor and shuffled her feet. “Fine. Luna was my first female kiss.” She turned red. “And my second.” 

Draco’s mouth dropped open.

“We experimented. To… to see what we liked.” 

His eyes bulged and his mouth gaped open and closed like a fish.”

“Draco say something please, you’re scaring me!”

He shook his head before looking back at her, eyes clear. “Sorry, sorry love. Brain kind of exploded there for a minute. So… you and Luna, huh?” He winked at her.

Hermione glared and he shrank back. “Get dressed,” she commanded. “We have a table to buy.”

 

* * *

 

Draco complained the whole way to the store but then had been mesmerized the moment they stepped in. Hermione was surprised to find he had absolutely loved it. He insisted they look at every single piece of furniture, and they walked around the store for hours until Hermione complained of sore feet. Draco muttered a subtle cushioning charm toward her feet and continued to drag her around. Eventually, Hermione picked a table and they made their way to the warehouse to pick it up.

He looked around at the shelving, not understanding what he was seeing. “Where is all the furniture? This is just a bunch of flat boxes.”

“Yes, well, you have to put the furniture together. It’s more economical that way. And easier to get in your car.”

“But we don’t have a car.” 

“I know sweetheart, I know. But that’s the deal. We have to assemble it.”

“I will not be putting any furniture together,” he scoffed. “I am not a peasant!”

“Come on Draco, it will be fun. We can make it one of your ‘Muggle Appreciation’ projects. Remember, they are Wizengamot ordered after all.” He grimaced and followed her dutifully with the shopping cart to aisle 15. They loaded everything up and got into the shortest queue (fifteen people ahead of them!). Draco got antsy two minutes into their wait.

“I’m bored,” he drawled. His eyes swiveled around, finally landing on the food market. “Ooooh, I’m going to look at the food.” He started to walk away before remembering Hermione was still in line, “You don’t mind, do you?” He flashed her with sad puppy-dog eyes and she crumbled. 

“Yes, yes, go ahead,” she breathed airily with a wave of her hand. He did look painfully bored and she could not be bothered to entertain him for another fifteen minutes.

 

* * *

  

They returned to their flat with a flat-packed ‘Upphetsning’ table and an overflowing blue bag full of Swedish grocery items.

The Swedish food market had been a big hit, with Draco purchasing one of everything “for research purposes, obviously.” She was not convinced but enjoyed his enthusiasm. “Those little meatballs,” he rambled, “We must have the elves make us some. And lingonberry! Who knew it was so tasty?” He had liked the ‘Sylt Lingon’ so much that they now had four jars of the preserve to use on their morning toast. 

Hermione shook her head and sighed, “What have I done?”

The reality of the flat package quickly set in and Hermione left Draco to deal with it. “Consider this an educational opportunity, Draco.”

“I am not a fucking house elf,” he grumbled.

“I heard that!” she shouted and blew him a kiss over her shoulder. 

Draco stared at the package despondently before moving to open it. Their house elves Nippy, Blipping, and Mippy gathered around with curiosity. He eyed the instruction packet dubiously. “How hard can this be, really?” he asked Nippy.

He waved his wand over the pieces and nothing happened. He glared at the pieces and tried again. Nothing happened. He waved his wand once more, a look of fierce concentration on his face. The pieces remained unmoving at their feet. “What the blazes is wrong with my wand?” He screwed up his face and started waving his arms frantically, firing off a series of random spells at the pieces. Colored sparks flew from his wand, but again nothing happened to the pieces before him.

Mippy let out a shriek from behind him. Her nose had grown out from her face like a carrot and her dress had changed from its respectful powder blue to a shocking neon yellow. 

“Oh Mippy, I’m so sorry!” he exclaimed, looking chastised.

“Tis ok, Master Drakey.” She snapped her fingers and restored her appearance instantly. 

“Well, I have to figure out what is wrong. My magic is not affecting the pieces at all.” He waved his wand again and the couch turned into a fluffy plush dolphin. Nippy giggled. With the next wave of his wand, the floor of the apartment had tilted just enough for them to all stumble around, and with the next wave, the room started spinning.

“Maaaasstter Drake, yous must stop!” cried Blipping. “Thems do not like your magic!”

Hermione popped her head out of the kitchen to see what the commotion was. “Oh bullocks,” she murmured, before shouting a louder, “FINITE INCANTATEM!” The room stopped spinning, the angle of the floor was restored, and the dolphin turned back into a couch.

“Master Drakey made a big mess of this. Thank you Missus Her-knee for stopping the spinses.” Mippy looked up at Hermione with a big smile and sank into a deep curtsy.

“You are very welcome Mippy.” She turned to Draco. “Now Draco, it would appear that the MDF is resistant to magic. You are going to have to do this the muggle way." 

“What is MDF?”

“Medium-density fiber-” she started before shaking her head. “You know what, never mind.” She looked at him expectantly. He groaned and picked up the hex key, eyeing it with disdain.

“Now Master Drakey, we needs the four little screws likes in the diaphragm,” Nippy piped up, looking pleased to help.

Hermione laughed quietly before correcting her, “No Nippy, it’s a dia-GRAM. A dia-PHRAGM is something completely different.”

Blipping scowled. “Thems aren’t screws, Nippy.” He held up a single wooden dowel. “Thems little woods. And we only have the one. Where are the rest of thems?”

Mippy ran around, frantically searching until she unearthed a palm-sized bag full of spare pieces.

“Thank fucking Godric for you Mippy,” Draco said as he grabbed the bag from her hands.

 

* * *

 

Draco and the three elves spent the next two hours assembling the table while Hermione read a book on their bed. When they were finally done, Draco pranced into the bedroom triumphantly, waving his wand to produce a loud trumpet sound. “Hermione! We did it.” He bounced around. “It’s ready. Come see.”

Hermione walked into the living room and was greeted with the pleasant sight of a new, modern, fully assembled table. She turned and pulled Draco into a swift kiss to thank him. Their kiss soon became heated and he backed her up toward the table. The moment they made contact, however, the entire thing broke apart and fell to the floor.

Draco let out a strangled yelp and looked crestfallen at the results of all their hard work.

“Excuses me, Missus Her-knee, but you broke the table. Blipping spent much time working on the table.”

Mippy and Nippy glared at him. “No yous didn’t,” Nippy shrieked indignantly. “Mippy and Nippy helped Master Drakey and yous didn’t help at all.”

“I held the little woods! And we used thems all. Theres none more in the bag! How are we going to fix it?”

“Looks like we will have to go back again tomorrow and wait in the spare parts line,” Hermione said, looking at Draco apologetically.

“Excellent!” Draco grinned broadly. “I can get more meatballs!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wellllllll shuns, this is what happens when I finally turn one of our text message plot bunny convos into a fic. I hope you like it.
> 
> ...
> 
> So their sex magic spell. “Fallos uppsluka, fallos förstora” would translate to "phallus engorge, phallus enlarge" ... if I knew anything about Swedish grammar or sentence structure. Which I don't. Close enough.
> 
> Also shuns, Google says that 'Upphetsning" means excitement, which at this point is close enough to 'orgasm' for me.


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Narcissa’s reaction, because she has the best reactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh you thought this was a one-shot? Nuh-uh, shuns couldn’t leave it without showing you Narcissa’s reaction, because she has the best reactions.
> 
> Once again it is shuns’ fault who assaulted HeartS textually with what she calls an "especially aggressive plot bunny."

“I see you have a new table. It’s quite contemporary,” Narcissa observed placing place her cup on it.

Hermione beamed, “Yes, Draco put it together himself _without_ using any magic.”

Narcissa picked her cup back up, quickly. Her son had many gifts. But making things  _the muggle way_ was not one of them. She covered her action by holding out the cup for Mippy to refill. “How did the table get broken?”

“They’s be trying a new spell, a weed-dish sex spell. And they’d be too good at it, so the table is pieces,” she confided. Mippy was not happy they were doing naughty bedroom things on the table but she had heard that babies were loads of work. She wanted Missy and Master to hurry up and make some for her and the other elves.

Too late Hermione and Draco realized that they had not extracted a promise from Mippy or any of the other elves to never, ever tell anyone about their  _private_ activities. It was a mistake they would never, ever make in the future. Now though, Hermione blushed and Draco paled trying not to react under Narcissa’s scrutiny.

“Really,” smirked Narcissa over the rim of her teacup towards the squirming pair before her. She was going to win the grandchild sweepstakes at the Witches Weekly Luncheon. “Were you using Swedish, Abasssynian or Vedic?”

“There are different kinds?” squeaked Hermione.

“Of course, dear, I have a few books back at the manor-“

”THERE ARE BOOKS?” squealed Hermione.

”Yes with instructive etchings. Lucius and I broke a few tables too, in our day,” she smiled wistfully. 

Resolve broken, Draco buried his face in his hands. Could he oblivate the last three minutes from his mind? He did not need to learn his mother knew multiple kinds of sex magic. 

Ever.

* * *

 

Narcissa loved her grandson. He was perfect just as Draco had been. Being the first of her set with a grandchild, legitimate grandchild as those Puceys were quite loose, was just a bonus. It wasn’t about the bragging rights. She was just so glad Draco and Hermione had found their way to each other and now they were starting their beautiful family.

But the six months of silent treatment she got from Iris Parkingson was bliss. Her daughter had turned out all right, but she didn’t miss the mother’s horsey laugh at all. 


End file.
